Starting my Al Anon Step #1

Posted by: thankfulalcoholic on: October 11, 2011

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Hi Friends,

Wow, it’s been a long time since I blogged. Basically I’ve been recovering from my mom’s death in May, I think. Not that I’m recovered now, but I’m starting to feel a little more like I have new things to say, other than “Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch….” <g>

Here’s a little bit more on what I tweeted about the other day; starting my Al Anon Step #1. I wrote out an answer to the question: “How do I know when my life is unmanageable?” I’m sharing the piece I wrote below. I hope it is useful or interesting to anyone coping now, or who has coped in the past, with this kind of thing.

The clearest indications to me that my life has become unmanageable are when I do the following:

• Let go of my health/pets’ health
• Let go of my support groups
• Let go of responsibilities around money and things
• Keep secrets
• Obsess about fears
• Feel like I’m doing things I don’t want to be doing too much of the time.
• Feel a lot of loathing for people that I actually love.

Here’s a high-level assessment of where I am with each of those indicators today:

Heath

I’m doing well with my health, after a long period of neglect triggered partly by my move away from my regular dentist and eye doctor into a new neighborhood 2.5 years ago, and then sustained by my mom’s terrible long illness and finally death. I’m attending weight watchers regularly and have been losing consistently for 4 weeks, I’m about 3 pounds from my goal weight and well within my healthy BMI range. I have seen my eye doctor and have an appointment to see my dentist set. My blood pressure is great, I’m not on any medication except for depression.

I neglected my beloved cats really for about 6-7 years until AA kicked my butt into getting them checked out. I discovered my darling Roo had a thyroid problem and funded an unbelievably expensive procedure for him practically as my last independent financial act before getting married in Nov 2009. Then I let that go again for a couple years around the move and mom’s illness, only just getting back up to speed in August. To my great grief, I learned they both have kidney disease (both quite elderly), but I am doing everything I can to mitigate the effects of that on the poor babes and feel more or less OK about where I am with them.  I need to get Roo in for a follow up in November: Actually doing that will be a sign of relative good mental health.

Support groups

I catastrophically let go of support groups when I started working  in a challenging new job at the end of June, 6 weeks after my mother died. I stopped going to AA, missed a couple therapy appointments, let my exercise/social schedule slip. After waking up one morning feeling like I hated everyone I knew and couldn’t endure the running whiny commentary in my own brain, I finally had the sense to get back to my home group and other AA meetings. Instant relief, and, on talk with my AA sponsor, returned to the thought that I also need Al Anon. We had talked about this before, but I was so pressed for time and emotional energy caring for mom, I ended up deciding to wait on it. Now, however, things have changed quite a bit and so thankfully this week I picked up an Al Anon meeting which was GREAT thank God, and I’ve recommitted to prioritizing my therapy and writing daily gratitude lists. Also I’m beginning to work the Al Anon steps with this piece of writing and hope to get a sponsor at the next Saturday meeting.

Responsibilities about things and money

I’ve let go considerably of my commitment to wise spending on groceries and have been wildly buying flowers for Dad and organic heirloom tomatos and pre-roasted chickens and stuff like that at the spendy/trendy grocery up the street instead of more sensible items at the regular grocery down the street. I hadn’t really noticed until I sat down to do this exercise but it’s instantly obvious and also a very obvious comfort-seeking move.  I’ve significantly reduced my income, but I think that’s OK (that is, not a sign of unmanageableness) given that it’s in pursuit of a more satisfying and meaningful career, and my husband is one-hundred percent behind it and willing to cover the lion’s share of expenses for at least a year while I find my feet.

I let my car go a month beyond its proper tune up date and finally took it in after it started wanting to not start, obviously having dirty points and god knows what else. I believe my break and tail lights were ALL out by the time I finally took it in, so that definitely counts as insane unmanageability and disregard of personal safety and health (I drive a smart car, so being rear-ended would be just the end). Finally took my car in for a tune up last week. It needs a $700 break job before the end of the year — getting that done will be a good indicator of returning mental health.

Current secrets

I’m in trouble here, although much LESS trouble than I was in when I started AA. I have to say that the quality of my secrets and problems is SO MUCH HIGHER now than it was when I quick drinking, I can hardly describe it. But anyway, now, as I am starting in Al Anon, I have a secret bank account, I have a secret regular social routine with a friend that my husband hates, and the secretness of that friendship from my husband is a secret from the friend, so, there’s obvious nightmarish compartmentalization and fear coming up around that mess.

Actually, my addition of Al Anon to my meeting schedule is a secret from my husband, and the fact that I’m in AA and now also Al Anon is a secret from my dad. Although my dad does know that I’m an alcoholic, it’s just the program I haven’t got around to mentioning. So, you know, secrets everywhere. Indeed, the fact that I believe my husband is an alcoholic, AND that my stepdaughter is as well, is a secret from my husband! The fact that I fear for our marriage because I seem to be growing away from alcohol more and more in my sobriety, while he seems to be turning more and mroe toward it, is a secret from my husband! This is really the stuff that had my AA sponsor and my therapist bugging me to go to Al Anon, which, it’s abundantly obvious to me, is right where I belong, dear god.

Current important fears

That work in Al Anon will lead me to divorce my husband. This makes me nauseated to think about, and yet I do.

That my father will die or be incapacitated. Since he’s about to turn 90, this doesn’t seem like an insane fear, but my lack of serenity around it indicates some major unmanageability, I guess.

That my husband will discover my secret friend routine and/or secret bank account and divorce me. See also nausea.

That my crazy friend will go south on me again and have a big insane codependent martyred lashing out vicious shit fit like she did when I got married.

That my best friend will be forced by financial contingencies to move away.

Things I’m doing that I don’t want to be doing

Spending undue time with aforementioned secret friend, who is also crazy and codependent and someone I wrote about in a previous blog entry. Hoping Al Anon will give me some help with setting boundaries there.

Keeping secret bank account — this feels like it’s about an inability to assert my right to spend money on things I value that my husband doesn’t, and an inability to discuss my resentment of how all of both of our incomes goes into his priorities — and also that I can’t bring myself to say that and endure the (feared) explosions of anger that would result. Again all stuff I think Al Anon can really really help me with.

Loathing for people I love

I’ve really been having problems since my stepdaughter moved to town with how much she, my husband, and her boyfriend drink together. I have my notions about their relationships with alcohol but I’m also aware that I’ve become pretty nutty on the subject. But, I have come to loathe certain aspects of the drinker and the life of the drinker’s spouse, which sometimes turns into loathing for my actual husband and stepdaughter, which I really don’t want to be feeling. Again, already after attending just one Al Anon meeting I feel a strong sense of hope about this problem, and that there are tools to work with to help reduce my struggle with how, even, to THINK about this stuff, much less how to act.

So, yes, wow, well, that all feels pretty scary to publish, but hey, it has to be done, right? That’s how we survive, by sharing our experience,, strength and hope. I have more on the experience and hope side of things to share right now, and less of the strength, but now I know how to move toward strength and I am very thankful for that.